Friend Updates

I’m sure that you have already forgotten all of the lovely characters in my blog, but that’s why there is a character page. So, go back and read up on them.

This post is dedicated to updating you quickly about all of their lives in the most shameful and embarrassing ways. Because I’m a dick.

Marina lost her job, but of course being Marina landed a new job in the IT world before her last day at her old job. Was I jealous? Yes, don’t ask stupid questions.

Kiley Kiley Kiley. I need to save the longer story for a new post because it’s pretty dramatic and important that I tell you start to finish. Basically, I yelled at her. A lot. For being a pain in my ass.

Dave is no longer a bartender! He has sold his soul to the entertainment industry. Welcome, friend.

TJ is still bothered by the little things in life. He finally got over his crush on Bradley and has been seeing this new girl. I know very little about her, but it can’t be too serious because on New Years Eve he uninvitingly shoved his tongue into my mouth… AWKWARD. Oh and congrats to TJ for getting a job as a talent manager!

Sam. Remember when I told the story of our one date? I can’t escape it. Also saving for another post as it is a long story, the only thing  you need to know is that I am now seeing Dave, Sam and TJ’s new roommate, Chaz. Maybe I will introduce him tomorrow.

Carol is now working for a non-profit. She is a much happier person although she is still a sarcastic bitch.

All things are the same with Gabe, except we now have a writing group together every Monday night.

Nothing new to report about Hank.

Liv moved away guys! Such a sad day, but she’s rich as fuck and left to travel the world, and now she’s teaching ski lessons in Vermont. Very Swanky. I will probably take her out of my characters page, but updates will still randomly come.

Finally, Julie is going to be moved to a regular character on my blog. Julie and I are starting a lifestyle blog. Surprise! It is going to launch in a couple months, but I guess you’ll just have to figure out what it is. Julie is still working for a teen mag and hooking up with Dave at random moments. Sometimes she gets drunk and kisses TJ too.

I know it’s a lot to take in, but me and my friend, just living the poor life in LA. Comment if you want to know anything about any of the characters. I will be happy to fill you in.

The British Invasion (Otherwise Known as The Time I’m 90% Sure I was Drugged)

Liv finally got home from visiting her swanky family in Bridgehampton last week, which is good because I needed my friend back that drinks wine, enjoys cheese on basically everything and knows how to party.

Just as I was getting into bed the other night Liv calls and tells me that her two British college friends are in town and they wanted to go to Main Street in Santa Monica. I decided that I had been a shut-in for too long and it was time for a night out. When I got to Liv’s apartment I met the two most non-attractive British guys ever. Don’t get me wrong, they were really fun guys, but it’s the one time a British accent didn’t make me fall in love.

One thing I should mention in this story is a little background on Liv’s roommate situation. She found this girl, Briana, online and moved in with her until one day when Liv found an entire block of cheese she bought missing. She quickly discovered that her roommate “sleep eats,” if that’s actually a thing, I would be surprised. Briana is also a vegan… supposedly. She once told me that she’s a vegan unless she’s on a date. Finally, Briana online dates… A LOT. So she recently met a guy who is a pick-up artist, which you would think is ehhhh probably not the best dude in the world, but she’s very proud of this guy.

So, Briana decides that she’s going to get wasted and come out with us. great. It takes a lot for me to get extremely drunk. Three vodka shots doesn’t even come close. We head out to the first bar where Briana proceeds to tell me how she doesn’t want to date this guy because of his profession and how her parents would react. I’m normally extremely sympathetic, but she had already disclosed his penis size and what it was like when she gave him a blow job. At this point, I yelled at her and said:

1. you don’t have to tell your parents about this guy right this minute. If you date him, fall in love, then yeah tell them then.
2. I don’t care about your sex life Briana, tell me it’s good sex that’s great, but I don’t need to know the exact spot his penis hits your throat.

She found someone else to talk about him with. Finally we got back after the third bar. What did I learn? No one goes out on Wednesdays. Liv was done when we got back to her place. She definitely vomited on the curb and then instantly passed out.

We went out on the balcony to smoke when Briana brought out a joint. She said she’s had it for awhile. So me and the two Brits got high and something weird happened. I made it to Liv’s bed to pass out, and all of a sudden I couldn’t move my body. I got insanely sick and puked (sorry Liv!) all over her floor. I wasn’t able to get up. I woke up feeling sick and drove myself home.

I found out later that the two boys were also extremely sick and that’s never happened to them either. I’m 95% sure that joint was laced with something. I’m also sure that after hearing everything about Briana, you would agree with me.

Lesson learned.

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