This is What Happens When I Watch Mary Poppins

 

 

k byeHave you guys watched that movie recently? No seriously, look at this crazy bitch spread eagle as Mary Poppin’s blows her ass away. I couldn’t resist, I had to post this.

You’re welcome.

LOL K BYE.

Advertisements

Friend Updates

I’m sure that you have already forgotten all of the lovely characters in my blog, but that’s why there is a character page. So, go back and read up on them.

This post is dedicated to updating you quickly about all of their lives in the most shameful and embarrassing ways. Because I’m a dick.

Marina lost her job, but of course being Marina landed a new job in the IT world before her last day at her old job. Was I jealous? Yes, don’t ask stupid questions.

Kiley Kiley Kiley. I need to save the longer story for a new post because it’s pretty dramatic and important that I tell you start to finish. Basically, I yelled at her. A lot. For being a pain in my ass.

Dave is no longer a bartender! He has sold his soul to the entertainment industry. Welcome, friend.

TJ is still bothered by the little things in life. He finally got over his crush on Bradley and has been seeing this new girl. I know very little about her, but it can’t be too serious because on New Years Eve he uninvitingly shoved his tongue into my mouth… AWKWARD. Oh and congrats to TJ for getting a job as a talent manager!

Sam. Remember when I told the story of our one date? I can’t escape it. Also saving for another post as it is a long story, the only thing  you need to know is that I am now seeing Dave, Sam and TJ’s new roommate, Chaz. Maybe I will introduce him tomorrow.

Carol is now working for a non-profit. She is a much happier person although she is still a sarcastic bitch.

All things are the same with Gabe, except we now have a writing group together every Monday night.

Nothing new to report about Hank.

Liv moved away guys! Such a sad day, but she’s rich as fuck and left to travel the world, and now she’s teaching ski lessons in Vermont. Very Swanky. I will probably take her out of my characters page, but updates will still randomly come.

Finally, Julie is going to be moved to a regular character on my blog. Julie and I are starting a lifestyle blog. Surprise! It is going to launch in a couple months, but I guess you’ll just have to figure out what it is. Julie is still working for a teen mag and hooking up with Dave at random moments. Sometimes she gets drunk and kisses TJ too.

I know it’s a lot to take in, but me and my friend, just living the poor life in LA. Comment if you want to know anything about any of the characters. I will be happy to fill you in.

And It’s Been Awhile

That title makes me want to sing a Staind song.

I apologize that I have not updated this blog in forever, but alas, life has gotten in the way and on top of my job at the talent agency, I have been writing for a website (and getting paid for it)! Unfortunately, since I use my real name on the website you won’t ever know if what you’re reading is actually mine. So there’s that.

Boy, I actually don’t know where to begin this blog.

1. Let’s start with the last post that I posted. I probably won’t meet a boy. You know what I’ve learned in the past three months? The moment you stop giving two fucks about men, they will come at you from all angles. AND the more you don’t care, the more they want to talk to you. It’s completely absurd and I don’t know why life is like that. So give it a shot because I was asked out on three dates in one week. Did I go on all of them. Nope because I really don’t give a fuck. It’s not an act. I went on one of them though about 3 weeks ago and I am still talking to the same guy, which is basically a record for me. But more on the Chaz situation on another day.

2. I probably won’t quit my job. Nope, sorry to say that this has not happened yet. I worked so hard over winter breaking on freelancing for two different places and ended up making a lot of extra cash though. So, I’ve determined so long as I continue writing like i have been then I will feel okay about my job and stop complaining.

3. I haven’t lost weight. maybe one pound because I’m busy as fuck and don’t have time to eat, but yeah nope. Too lazy for that.

4. Clearly I haven’t been posting every week. I promise I will work on that.

5. I have stopped smoking in my car. Oh a round of applause? Why thank you.

Until next time,

Bye Betches

Welcome to 24

Last week was my 24th birthday. I would like to make a list of all the things I wish to accomplish, but every time I make lists I end up avoiding the things I actually wrote down.

However what’s the point of posting if I’m not going to share all the things I probably won’t do this year.

1. I probably won’t meet a new guy, but I need to because the one that I have is useless and likes to work more than he likes me. Meeting a guy in LA, who doesn’t completely suck, is almost an impossible task (you think I’m joking? I’m fucking serious. Everyone in “the industry” is very annoying and only cares about themselves).  Considering I’m too scared to online date, and too poor to go out this probably won’t happen.

2. I probably won’t quit my job. I am not cut out for the agent life. I am an asshole but I’m not a mean person and I never have been. It takes someone who is a complete dick to be a talent agent. Once a day my boss says to be more aggressive…um no sir, I won’t. I like my attitude just the way it is. Thanks.

3. I probably won’t lose weight. Here’s the problem with this. I get up, eat breakfast and leave for work at 8:30. I don’t get off work till 7 PM. The very last thing i want to do before and after that 11 hour span is exercise. I have TRIED to wake up early and it’s pointless. My body is basically like, “Um please fuck off I’m still sleeping.” After work, if I work out, then I won’t eat dinner till 9 at night. So this all goes back to needing to quit my job…basically.

4. I probably won’t post on this every week. I would like to write on this way more often than I have been, but surprisingly I don’t have much to say on my own life that would be able to inspire you… I only boost people’s already awesome egos.

5. I probably won’t quit smoking cigarettes. This one is interesting. I actually don’t really care if i smoke. I could actually go a while without smoking, but I choose not to. You know how people get more and more addicted, well I can sufficiently say that one pack of cigarettes lasts about a week and a half for me… which compared to actual smokers is pretty fucking good. So, I definitely don’t see that ending.

6. I probably won’t finish this post. I’m serious guys, I’ve had this post in my drafts for almost a month now. I have problems.

Happy birthday to me.

10

The Flashy Resume and why “Networking” is Stupid

I have a friend who works for a website that everyone in the world loves. I asked her, “How did you get that job?” She immediately sent over her resume and cover letter that ‘got her hired’ and I was instantly jealous. Her resume was flashy, had colors, a cool design and it hit me like a ton of bricks: Is this what employers are looking for? Am I already outdated?

As I looked down at my plain, Times New Roman resume (or curriculum vitae as some of you fancy ass people might call it), I felt like I had been doing things wrong all along. I decided to look into it and found this website about 50 resumes that will land you your dream job.

I also read her cover letter and it was perfectly presented, funny at the right moments and hit all the right keywords for the job she was applying for. Needless to say I just want her job.

On a totally unrelated topic…

I also had a glass shattering moment (How I Met Your Mother reference, obviously) as I read this, I make a horrible first impression. You know when you get into an elevator and someone makes a stupid comment about the weather? I hate those people. Or when you go skiing and as you ride up the chairlift strangers ask where your from, what you do and the runs I like on the mountain? I hate those people. Which is why when my boss told me I need to go to Social Media Week and “Network” I had a mini panic attack.

I’ve never been someone who can get up in front of a room and bullshit for 20 minutes. I’ve never been someone who can act super interested in what someone is saying when I don’t give a shit and that is a horrible way to be. I’ve tried to be friendly, sometimes I genuinely love talking to people, and I’m good at it if I feel like the conversation has meaning, but Networking forces people into a room together to make small talk and it doesn’t actually do anything.

Have you noticed that people who create great things are the ones that come together because they want to. They come together because they have similar beliefs, ideas and interests. That is how great things are made. I don’t believe that “small talk” and “bullshitting” are valid ways to interact, but that’s just my opinion. I would love to hear the latter.

So, next time you are out “networking,” go talk to the girl in the corner who looks bored as fuck because it’s me, I’m witty and I’ve been people watching for an hour. You can’t imagine the types of conversations that happen at a networking event.

10
10

One Week at An Agency

I’ve officially started my new job. You don’t get much more Hollywood than this: I am an assistant at a talent agency…. it’s basically the lowest of the low in Hollywood.

Want to know what I’ve learned so far?

-“Good Morning, ___________ ____________’s Office”

-“Let me try them on their cell. One moment please.”

-I have learned in four short days how to schedule the fuck out of things…I can’t even manage my own life, but I know my every waking move of my boss.

-Industry hours 9AM-7PM…Are you kidding me? Because I don’t have anything better to do. I’m happy all the people who aren’t assistants are out of here at 5PM, but don’t worry I’ll cover the non-ringing phones for two more hours. You’re Welcome.

-I tucked in a shirt into dress pants this week. Never have I ever….tucked in my shirt, or wore dress pants. Welcome to the real world, Sara, it sucks!

-People at agencies are pretentious about their entertainment. I totally get it, but I love The Hot Chick and Scary Movie and The Lifetime Movie Network, so deal with it. I accidentally told people about my love for shitty movies. My mistake.

AND FINALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT FACT:

-People who work at agencies fucking love themselves. You never have an actual conversation with them. They are patiently waiting for you to finish whatever you have to say so that they can talk about themselves. It’s weird, therefore, I have made no friends. Although, I did meet a super religious girl who was telling me how she couldn’t say a movie title out loud cause it had the word virginity in it.

Where am I?

Do I Really Want to Write?

In 9th grade I wrote a descriptive paper of the first time I met Joe. I was at the mall and this tall, gangly kid with white blonde hair stopped me just to introduce himself. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a faded ACDC t-shirt. As I looked up at the 5’10 boy, his smile had me mesmerized. He had the cutest dimples and bright blue eyes. We dated for a week.

Now, I’m sure that’s not exactly what the paper said, but my teacher held it up to the class and read my description of Joe out loud. Mr. Wilson looked at me and said, “Sara, you should become a writer.” From that day on I knew what I wanted to do. I joined journalism and became an editor for the school paper.

Now that I’m out in Los Angeles I don’t think I want journalism anymore. It’s easy for me to write articles. My friends read them and tell me that they loved it, but I never actually get a true response and critique of my work. I want to write a book or a screenplay, but I’m scared that everyone will hate what I have to say. Not to mention, I’m good at writing things from my perspective, but when it comes to writing multiple characters, I don’t know how to distinguish between voices and create a new life.

So what exactly do I want to write? I was thinking a half hour comedy about life as a 20-something in Los Angeles. What it’s really like. An assistant at an agency gets paid virtually nothing, actors work at waiters in restaurants well into their 30s and everyone in production has an unstable lifestyle of bouncing from project to project. It would be a less hipster version of girls and the characters would be less obnoxious because Hannah Horvath is actually the most annoying character on TV at the moment.

The problem is that no one cares about what life is like here unless you live here. I have all these thoughts and ideas, but I never seem to carry them out in full and I don’t know how to force myself to do it. Anyway, that’s my random rambling of the day. Feel free to give me some advice.

10

My Best Friend is “Trying”

My best friend from back home is trying to have her second child. Granted, she was knocked up by a huge d-bag when she was 19 and had her first child at 20. However, now she is almost 24 and married (to a different guy) who adopted her child and is raising him as his own. I know, how does one find a boyfriend when said person is pregnant? I will never know.

I called her last night and we talked for about three hours. Here’s a couple things you should know about this friendship.

When we were in high school me and my friend, Mia, went to a house party. I decided to bring along this guy Greg because I wanted to hook up with him. We got to the party and I ran into a different boy I’d had a crush on forever. I decided that I really didn’t want to hook up with Greg and told Mia she should definitely go for him! He was cute, nice, and so on. Little did I know, four years and a horrible on-and-off relationship later, she would get knocked up and he would break up with her by writing her a note in her diary.

Technically, and I say technically in the most liberal way possible, her baby, her marriage and her life is all because of me. I don’t really know whether that is a good or a bad thing, but we will pretend that it’s great.

I never thought that I would get to an age where people were trying to get pregnant. I never thought about planned pregnancies as a thing until last night. She told me that I should find someone and settle down. In my mind, finding someone feels like the end of my own life. It’s not even that I’m not trying to find someone, but in Los Angeles, no one is focused on serious relationships until way later in life. Every time I blink another year goes by and I don’t seem to be progressing at all.

Today I decided to be happy about my life. I have a new job and I will be getting a weekend job on top of that to make the amount of money I need to live and OKCupid told me today that I’m one of the hottest people on the site… GREAT. I’m going to make a whole post about the best OKC messages I’ve received… It’s very sad.

10
10

In What World Do Agents Live?

I had an interview today with a talent agency. I’ve been back and forth with them for awhile and I was basically offered the position today. Before we get on with the congratulations, you got a job aspect, let me just say: How the fuck do people in the entertainment industry expect you to live.

Assistants in the agency world make somewhere in the $20K’s. HOW DO YOU LIVE? To live in a decent apartment out here you have to dish out the cash. Not everyone has mom and dad helping them, but I’m about to have a full-time job making less than I would make on unemployment. How in the world does that even make sense?

I wish people who make lots of money would look at assistants and realize they would be nothing without them. Realize that they can’t even manage their day-to-day lives without their assistant. So why treat them and pay them like shit?

Any thoughts would help here. I mean. I’m getting a second job, but what happens when he wants me to work weekends? Sorry buddy, I don’t get paid enough for this.

10

The British Invasion (Otherwise Known as The Time I’m 90% Sure I was Drugged)

Liv finally got home from visiting her swanky family in Bridgehampton last week, which is good because I needed my friend back that drinks wine, enjoys cheese on basically everything and knows how to party.

Just as I was getting into bed the other night Liv calls and tells me that her two British college friends are in town and they wanted to go to Main Street in Santa Monica. I decided that I had been a shut-in for too long and it was time for a night out. When I got to Liv’s apartment I met the two most non-attractive British guys ever. Don’t get me wrong, they were really fun guys, but it’s the one time a British accent didn’t make me fall in love.

One thing I should mention in this story is a little background on Liv’s roommate situation. She found this girl, Briana, online and moved in with her until one day when Liv found an entire block of cheese she bought missing. She quickly discovered that her roommate “sleep eats,” if that’s actually a thing, I would be surprised. Briana is also a vegan… supposedly. She once told me that she’s a vegan unless she’s on a date. Finally, Briana online dates… A LOT. So she recently met a guy who is a pick-up artist, which you would think is ehhhh probably not the best dude in the world, but she’s very proud of this guy.

So, Briana decides that she’s going to get wasted and come out with us. great. It takes a lot for me to get extremely drunk. Three vodka shots doesn’t even come close. We head out to the first bar where Briana proceeds to tell me how she doesn’t want to date this guy because of his profession and how her parents would react. I’m normally extremely sympathetic, but she had already disclosed his penis size and what it was like when she gave him a blow job. At this point, I yelled at her and said:

1. you don’t have to tell your parents about this guy right this minute. If you date him, fall in love, then yeah tell them then.
2. I don’t care about your sex life Briana, tell me it’s good sex that’s great, but I don’t need to know the exact spot his penis hits your throat.

She found someone else to talk about him with. Finally we got back after the third bar. What did I learn? No one goes out on Wednesdays. Liv was done when we got back to her place. She definitely vomited on the curb and then instantly passed out.

We went out on the balcony to smoke when Briana brought out a joint. She said she’s had it for awhile. So me and the two Brits got high and something weird happened. I made it to Liv’s bed to pass out, and all of a sudden I couldn’t move my body. I got insanely sick and puked (sorry Liv!) all over her floor. I wasn’t able to get up. I woke up feeling sick and drove myself home.

I found out later that the two boys were also extremely sick and that’s never happened to them either. I’m 95% sure that joint was laced with something. I’m also sure that after hearing everything about Briana, you would agree with me.

Lesson learned.

10