The Flashy Resume and why “Networking” is Stupid

I have a friend who works for a website that everyone in the world loves. I asked her, “How did you get that job?” She immediately sent over her resume and cover letter that ‘got her hired’ and I was instantly jealous. Her resume was flashy, had colors, a cool design and it hit me like a ton of bricks: Is this what employers are looking for? Am I already outdated?

As I looked down at my plain, Times New Roman resume (or curriculum vitae as some of you fancy ass people might call it), I felt like I had been doing things wrong all along. I decided to look into it and found this website about 50 resumes that will land you your dream job.

I also read her cover letter and it was perfectly presented, funny at the right moments and hit all the right keywords for the job she was applying for. Needless to say I just want her job.

On a totally unrelated topic…

I also had a glass shattering moment (How I Met Your Mother reference, obviously) as I read this, I make a horrible first impression. You know when you get into an elevator and someone makes a stupid comment about the weather? I hate those people. Or when you go skiing and as you ride up the chairlift strangers ask where your from, what you do and the runs I like on the mountain? I hate those people. Which is why when my boss told me I need to go to Social Media Week and “Network” I had a mini panic attack.

I’ve never been someone who can get up in front of a room and bullshit for 20 minutes. I’ve never been someone who can act super interested in what someone is saying when I don’t give a shit and that is a horrible way to be. I’ve tried to be friendly, sometimes I genuinely love talking to people, and I’m good at it if I feel like the conversation has meaning, but Networking forces people into a room together to make small talk and it doesn’t actually do anything.

Have you noticed that people who create great things are the ones that come together because they want to. They come together because they have similar beliefs, ideas and interests. That is how great things are made. I don’t believe that “small talk” and “bullshitting” are valid ways to interact, but that’s just my opinion. I would love to hear the latter.

So, next time you are out “networking,” go talk to the girl in the corner who looks bored as fuck because it’s me, I’m witty and I’ve been people watching for an hour. You can’t imagine the types of conversations that happen at a networking event.

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That One Time Julie and Dave Fucked…And Everyone Freaked Out

Meet Dave: Dave is a nice guy, has a tendency to sleep around and date multiple girls at once.

Now Meet Julie: Since Julie works for a teen magazine, she never has to grow up. This means when she drinks, she is out of control.

On the characters page, I wrote a brief summary of my group of friends. To sum it up, Kiley met Dave at a bar, they hit it off and everyone came together as friends because of them. Kiley had a major crush on Dave, but Dave was worried that anything more than a friendship would tear the group a part. As a result Kiley took her feelings and shoved them somewhere, somewhere being the bottom of a vodka bottle.

One night, everyone was drunk, as we are most nights. We all hung out at the boys house and I noticed Julie and Dave drunkenly conversing on the couch. and that was the end of the night. I got home, went to bed and woke up ready for brunch with my friends.

As we sat at the table I looked over at Julie. I noticed her make-up was all over her face, her hair was in disarray  and she was wearing the same clothes from the previous night. I leaned over to Sam:

Me: So, whose bed did Julie end up in last night?
Sam: I really don’t want to point fingers, but… (points to Dave)

I quickly texted her under the table.

Me: DID YOU AND DAVE FUCK LAST NIGHT
Julie: Ugh, yes… 😦
Me: I wouldn’t tell Kiley.

Inevitably, in a close knit group, Kiley found out about 20 minutes later.

Now, I pride myself on staying far away from the drama, albeit airing our dirty laundry on this site, but EVERYONE lost their shit. To this day, I have no idea how it escalated the way that it did, but:

Dave told Kiley that she needed to get over him because he was sick of her getting upset.
Kiley, who wasn’t even that upset, told Dave not to have sex with all her friends unless he was seriously into one of them.
Sam was openly gossiping about it when Kiley yelled at him and told him to mind his own damn business.
Julie texted Kiley and apologized and tried to blame Dave for the whole situation.
Instead of telling Kiley what she needed to hear, Liv tried to stray away from conversations about the topic, only making Kiley more mad.

and where was I? Smoking a cigarette.