The Flashy Resume and why “Networking” is Stupid

I have a friend who works for a website that everyone in the world loves. I asked her, “How did you get that job?” She immediately sent over her resume and cover letter that ‘got her hired’ and I was instantly jealous. Her resume was flashy, had colors, a cool design and it hit me like a ton of bricks: Is this what employers are looking for? Am I already outdated?

As I looked down at my plain, Times New Roman resume (orĀ curriculum vitae as some of you fancy ass people might call it), I felt like I had been doing things wrong all along. I decided to look into it and found this website about 50 resumes that will land you your dream job.

I also read her cover letter and it was perfectly presented, funny at the right moments and hit all the right keywords for the job she was applying for. Needless to say I just want her job.

On a totally unrelated topic…

I also had a glass shattering moment (How I Met Your Mother reference, obviously) as I read this, I make a horrible first impression. You know when you get into an elevator and someone makes a stupid comment about the weather? I hate those people. Or when you go skiing and as you ride up the chairlift strangers ask where your from, what you do and the runs I like on the mountain? I hate those people. Which is why when my boss told me I need to go to Social Media Week and “Network” I had a mini panic attack.

I’ve never been someone who can get up in front of a room and bullshit for 20 minutes. I’ve never been someone who can act super interested in what someone is saying when I don’t give a shit and that is a horrible way to be. I’ve tried to be friendly, sometimes I genuinely love talking to people, and I’m good at it if I feel like the conversation has meaning, but Networking forces people into a room together to make small talk and it doesn’t actually do anything.

Have you noticed that people who create great things are the ones that come together because they want to. They come together because they have similar beliefs, ideas and interests. That is how great things are made. I don’t believe that “small talk” and “bullshitting” are valid ways to interact, but that’s just my opinion. I would love to hear the latter.

So, next time you are out “networking,” go talk to the girl in the corner who looks bored as fuck because it’s me, I’m witty and I’ve been people watching for an hour. You can’t imagine the types of conversations that happen at a networking event.