That One Time Julie and Dave Fucked…And Everyone Freaked Out

Meet Dave: Dave is a nice guy, has a tendency to sleep around and date multiple girls at once.

Now Meet Julie: Since Julie works for a teen magazine, she never has to grow up. This means when she drinks, she is out of control.

On the characters page, I wrote a brief summary of my group of friends. To sum it up, Kiley met Dave at a bar, they hit it off and everyone came together as friends because of them. Kiley had a major crush on Dave, but Dave was worried that anything more than a friendship would tear the group a part. As a result Kiley took her feelings and shoved them somewhere, somewhere being the bottom of a vodka bottle.

One night, everyone was drunk, as we are most nights. We all hung out at the boys house and I noticed Julie and Dave drunkenly conversing on the couch. and that was the end of the night. I got home, went to bed and woke up ready for brunch with my friends.

As we sat at the table I looked over at Julie. I noticed her make-up was all over her face, her hair was in disarray  and she was wearing the same clothes from the previous night. I leaned over to Sam:

Me: So, whose bed did Julie end up in last night?
Sam: I really don’t want to point fingers, but… (points to Dave)

I quickly texted her under the table.

Me: DID YOU AND DAVE FUCK LAST NIGHT
Julie: Ugh, yes… 😦
Me: I wouldn’t tell Kiley.

Inevitably, in a close knit group, Kiley found out about 20 minutes later.

Now, I pride myself on staying far away from the drama, albeit airing our dirty laundry on this site, but EVERYONE lost their shit. To this day, I have no idea how it escalated the way that it did, but:

Dave told Kiley that she needed to get over him because he was sick of her getting upset.
Kiley, who wasn’t even that upset, told Dave not to have sex with all her friends unless he was seriously into one of them.
Sam was openly gossiping about it when Kiley yelled at him and told him to mind his own damn business.
Julie texted Kiley and apologized and tried to blame Dave for the whole situation.
Instead of telling Kiley what she needed to hear, Liv tried to stray away from conversations about the topic, only making Kiley more mad.

and where was I? Smoking a cigarette.

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The British Invasion (Otherwise Known as The Time I’m 90% Sure I was Drugged)

Liv finally got home from visiting her swanky family in Bridgehampton last week, which is good because I needed my friend back that drinks wine, enjoys cheese on basically everything and knows how to party.

Just as I was getting into bed the other night Liv calls and tells me that her two British college friends are in town and they wanted to go to Main Street in Santa Monica. I decided that I had been a shut-in for too long and it was time for a night out. When I got to Liv’s apartment I met the two most non-attractive British guys ever. Don’t get me wrong, they were really fun guys, but it’s the one time a British accent didn’t make me fall in love.

One thing I should mention in this story is a little background on Liv’s roommate situation. She found this girl, Briana, online and moved in with her until one day when Liv found an entire block of cheese she bought missing. She quickly discovered that her roommate “sleep eats,” if that’s actually a thing, I would be surprised. Briana is also a vegan… supposedly. She once told me that she’s a vegan unless she’s on a date. Finally, Briana online dates… A LOT. So she recently met a guy who is a pick-up artist, which you would think is ehhhh probably not the best dude in the world, but she’s very proud of this guy.

So, Briana decides that she’s going to get wasted and come out with us. great. It takes a lot for me to get extremely drunk. Three vodka shots doesn’t even come close. We head out to the first bar where Briana proceeds to tell me how she doesn’t want to date this guy because of his profession and how her parents would react. I’m normally extremely sympathetic, but she had already disclosed his penis size and what it was like when she gave him a blow job. At this point, I yelled at her and said:

1. you don’t have to tell your parents about this guy right this minute. If you date him, fall in love, then yeah tell them then.
2. I don’t care about your sex life Briana, tell me it’s good sex that’s great, but I don’t need to know the exact spot his penis hits your throat.

She found someone else to talk about him with. Finally we got back after the third bar. What did I learn? No one goes out on Wednesdays. Liv was done when we got back to her place. She definitely vomited on the curb and then instantly passed out.

We went out on the balcony to smoke when Briana brought out a joint. She said she’s had it for awhile. So me and the two Brits got high and something weird happened. I made it to Liv’s bed to pass out, and all of a sudden I couldn’t move my body. I got insanely sick and puked (sorry Liv!) all over her floor. I wasn’t able to get up. I woke up feeling sick and drove myself home.

I found out later that the two boys were also extremely sick and that’s never happened to them either. I’m 95% sure that joint was laced with something. I’m also sure that after hearing everything about Briana, you would agree with me.

Lesson learned.

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